It's Still Hard

This was the first weekend I've been back "in circulation" since I lost Promise. It wasn't easy.

I really haven't been riding much. I wouldn't be riding at all if it weren't for Quila... I don't have the heart for it right now... but she needs me. In her life, she's been through so much, and she's come to where she completely trusts again and she tries so hard for me--I could never let her feel abandoned. So I go out and ride her, at least 4 days a week, anyway. She likes Alena, and one of the barn moms spoils her, so I don't mind skipping one or two days, but never two in a row. It wouldn't be fair.

But it feels like all of my goals vanished overnight, like I have nothing to work toward for the first time ever, and I don't know how to deal with that. And with Quila, I'm still working on the same old things I've been working on forever. Her age, now, has put a ceiling on our achievements together, I'm afraid. The only difference in our riding is that my voltés are round and I don't lose the shoulders or the haunches anymore (or when I do, I know it and I know what I need to do in order to correct it). Small consolation.

I've been avoiding the horse world.

But this weekend was our chapter's first CDI***, and I'm on the board. I promised I'd scribe for the weekend a long time ago, and I didn't want to let the volunteer coordinator down. I saw some pretty amazing horses and some pretty amazing rides (and, unfortunately, some pretty painful ones, too). It wasn't easy. I enjoyed seeing my friends again, and a beautiful horse ridden well is always a joy to behold, but I couldn't help feeling my loss more sharply. The ache, which had started to subside just a little, came back even more powerfully, because I know what I lost.

I know grief is like that. I know it will pass, lessen and I'll be able to find joy in my sport again, but I sure can't find it now. I just want that mare back. The one I waited for, watched enter the world, and fussed over for those 5 long years until it would be my turn to ride her, and then my turn never came. The one whose hugs were almost as good as her mother's. Times like this I wonder "Why horses?" Mountain biking and wind surfing never broke my heart.