September 25, 2006: At a Crossroads...

Yesterday was worse than the day before. Not all of it perhaps, but certainly the canter tour. The warm-up was falsely reassuring: Tequila remembered what half-halts were and agreed to bend correctly in response to my aids... but things changed when we entered the arena. I felt her pump up beneath me a bit, but stay “with me” at first, and the trot work went reasonably well... we even managed a ‘6’ on the second trot lengthening (a recent “high” for us), but then she became tense in the walk (only a “6” where we are capable of an “8”), and after an obedient canter depart, she crossed her jaw, took the bit in her teeth, and away we went...

We stayed on course. We completed the test. But I had no control. All I can say is that Tequila now knows the test, and didn’t need my help to finish (except to remind her where the canter-trot transitions went). To a casual observer, perhaps, the test looked better, since the pace was smoother--but that was only because there weren’t the moments when I had her come back to me to contrast with the moments where I lost her again.

I’m experiencing a whole mish-mash of emotions, from incompetence (WHY can’t I feel this coming before it’s too late and put a stop to it?), to anger (WHY does she do this to me?) to lack of motivation (WHY do I persist in trying at a sport that it seems I have no talent for--all this time, and still stuck at First Level and unable to do consistently acceptable work) to I-don’t-know-what, with a good dose of the poor-pitiful-me’s thrown in.

At home, if Tequila starts to take over, I KNOW what to do: I will give a half halt and if I don’t get a response, I will give her a full halt and a thwack-thwack with the whip +/- sharp spurs in her ribs (for Quila, these aren’t driving aids--she doesn’t need those--they are, “I’m not happy with you, because you aren’t listening. You are NOT the boss. Now, will you PLEASE PAY ATTENTION TO ME?!?!?!” aids). It usually only takes once or twice a ride one or two rides a week to make my point, and the rest of the time, I can ride her from my seat and calves alone. The thing is, though, she’s a smart mare--a VERY smart mare--and she’s figured out that once we’ve gone down center-line, she can pretty much do whatever she wants... there isn’t going to be any punishment coming. The only tools I have left are those 1/4 voltés known as corners, and they can be as much as 60 meters away--she can have worked up quite a head of steam by the time we get there. Jürgen says, “Well, close your legs, sit in, and half halt her!” That’s easy for him to say--he outweighs me substantially, and probably has 3 times the muscle strength that I do in his upper back (and isn’t fighting a torn muscle there, either). I would LOVE to be able to do that, but I simply can’t... at least not effectively. Or, let’s just say that in my incompetence, I haven’t yet figured out how.

So, she wins if she times her “run” correctly (and she’s getting that down to a science), and the test falls to hell, and I’m not feeling good about her, about my riding, or about myself... What the heck am I doing? I think it is definitely time to give it up (showing, that is)... stop the agony until I have another horse to show. And a few days’ break from riding is sounding pretty good right now, too.

She’s old. She didn’t get a proper foundation, and the fact that she recovered from the start she DID have to bring me this far is nothing short of a miracle. She’s reached her ceiling ability-wise, too. Time we had fun at home, where I can continue to learn from her without the associated stress and misery for either of us (because I’ll bet she’s not much happier than I am right now), and I won’t end up angry at my horse, when the rational part of me knows that I really shouldn’t hold it against her. She doesn’t leave her stall saying, “I’m going to put the screws to my Mom today.” She only knows that for whatever reason, she wants to get through the test, and doing it the way she’s doing it seems like the best approach...